Don't Speak
by DelphieKat
Summary: Takes place before Happy Birthday to you... Mac decides to put on paper her feelings for Harm. More precisely, what’s written in the Marine green booklet she offered him for his 40th birthday


  
  
_ Don't Speak_  
  
Author: DelphieKat  
Rating: PG   
Classification: portrait  
Spoilers: Almost everything up to season 9  
  
Summary: Mac decides to put on paper her feelings for Harm  
  
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own these characters, they belong to DPB, and I borrowed the song _Don't Speak_ from No Doubt   
  
Author's Notes: This is set before "Happy Birthday to you...", but it could also stand alone. Harm and Mac were never able to express out loud how they felt for each other, so Mac finally found another way to say it… This was not intended as a song fic, I just heard this song at work the other day and it fitted exactly the situation.  
  
A sincere thank you to Siamese Cat. Without your help, there would be some major errors in this text!  
  
I'd like to dedicate this story to Dae, the expert for reading Mac's mind, as far as I'm concerned...  
  


* * *

  
  
0238 ZULU  
Mac's Apartment  
Georgetown  
  
Mac had been sitting on her bed for over an hour, thinking about the gift she would give her best friend for his birthday. There was no object that would mean one hundredth of what he represented for her. Suddenly, she became aware of the song playing on the radio and so listened attentively to the words. At that moment, she knew exactly what kind of gift she was going to offer to Harmon Rabb Jr. for his 40th birthday.  
  
She got up and headed towards her writing table. She opened the second drawer and grabbed a Marine green booklet and a black quill hidden under tons of papers. She returned to sit comfortably on her bed, adjusted the pillows in her back and started writing.  
  
"Dear journal,  
  
Well, this is not exactly a journal since I start it only tonight and I also intend to finish it on this same occasion, no matter how long it's going to take. I could have said 'Dear Harm', but I'm not ready to address you directly yet. Obviously, this is for you. There are so many things I want to tell you, but I think it would be much easier if I act like I'm talking to someone else. I hope you'll understand. So I'll start over...  
  
Dear journal,  
  
I was pondering what would be the best birthday present for Harm and my favourite song from No Doubt gave me the answer. I'm sure he knows this one, it's _Don't speak_. This is exactly what I'll do, I will not try to have this famous discussion with him, I will put black on white all the feelings I have for him and he'll be free to read them or not. It may sound desultory, but I'll try to recapitulate eight years of friendship... I really hope he'll read it... 'till the end...  
  
_ You and me _  
_ We used to be together _  
_ Everyday together always_  
  
I should start from the very beginning and tell Harm how the feelings I have for him developed as the years passed by. Our first encounter in the Rose Garden was very special. I had never seen him before, but I appear to look like the love of his life, who had been murdered a few months earlier. He was handsome, but he seemed a little too confident in his charms. He was always smiling at me, even though he barely knew me. This smile and his eyes are the first things I noticed. I don't know if he ever used them on purpose, but they are powerful secret weapons... He saved Uncle Matt's dignity that day and I owe him for that (I won't even try to keep scores, it would be too difficult). Since then, I saw him almost everyday...  
  
He's a very good lawyer and he would do anything to prove his point, inside and outside the courtroom. I still remember the sound of the bullets hitting the ceiling during the Harridan court-martial, while I was ducking under the table. Okay, Marines are never supposed to duck, but nobody's supposed to fire a weapon in a tribunal either. That trial was the first time he really hurt me when he led me on a wrong track, but I finally understood that I had been a little too naive to follow the first hint the adversary gave me...  
  
I never told him, but I'm scared as hell of planes. My experiences with him never helped (heavy sigh...). The first and only time he took me up with Sarah, I've been shot in the thigh after a forced landing. We spent the night holding to each other to keep warm. I must concede it felt great to be taken care of by Harm, even if I barely knew him at that time, compared to now. After he told me planes were named after the spouses of their owners, I was relieved to find out he has never been married to any Sarah. At least, not up to now... Woo, what did I just say??? My God, I decided to write in ink to make sure not to back up, but maybe I should reconsider it...  
  
I can feel my cheeks burning as I remember our first case in Columbia. I almost kissed him! Was it the first time I'd seen him with his dress whites? I don't think so, but that time, I was a little too familiar. At least, I was close; I didn't let my lips touch his, because I don't know if I would have been able to stop...  
  
Calm down, Marine... Okay, let's continue...   
  
Like every man, he has his pride. He really hates being beaten, especially by a woman, and I recall the day that led him directly to the hospital with an injured knee. I was so afraid when I saw him on the road, almost unconscious, after the car hit him; my heart skipped a beat. But as usual, he saved the day by helping a pregnant woman to deliver her baby and finding a heart for the Israeli minister. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to see him walking with the hospital blouse...  
  
He's not the only one who has many walls around him. I have plenty too, and he broke the first one when we investigated the CPO Holst's case. It was one of the few times I opened up to him (after Red Rock Mesa and the night in the mountain, when I told him I was an alcoholic), telling him how my abusive father treated me and my mother, and he was all ears trying to help me, even if I rebuffed him more than once. I like this side of him, when he fights me for my own welfare...  
  
We had all kind of supernatural experiences together. The first happened on the USS Hornet, when he was sure he had seen his father. This was the first time I saw a weakness in his armour. The only thing that could affect him was his father. I would have done anything to protect him, but it was out of my reach. I could only take care of his sore body, unable to help his scarred heart and mind...  
  
_ I really feel   
That I'm losing my best friend   
I can't believe  
__ This could be the end_   
  
The day I left JAG is still carved into my memory. I was sure he had found a way to avoid me, but it was the opposite: he was outside, waiting for me. I asked the permission to hug him, but I think even if he had denied it, I would have done it anyway. I wasn't sure if I would ever see him again. I thought I'd lost the first real friend I'd had since my childhood. That day, after I left the parking with Dalton Lowne, I cried, unable to tell him why, discovering the real place Harm took in my life, in my heart...  
  
I remember the time he asked for my help. He was a fugitive, suspected to have killed someone. The minute he knocked at my door, I was so relieved to know he was all right! Since I was not at JAG at that time, I had no way of knowing what was happening. I can still feel his soft, magic hands on my shoulders after a night spent translating Russian documents, even though I was dating Dalton at that time. Those hands can do miracles! I just asked him for the record if he was innocent, because in the bottom of my heart, I knew he was and I believed him.  
  
Dalton... I was happy with him, but I wouldn't have been able to work with him everyday, unlike Harm. When Dalton died, I really touched bottom, but Harm was there to help me once again. He didn't pronounce any judgement when he saw me drunk; he guided me through one of the toughest moments in my life. If he hadn't been there, I wouldn't be sober anymore. Another example of what I owe him...  
  
I never realised how much I looked like Diane before I saw her picture that night at Harm's apartment. I didn't know what to do when he left with his gun. I was sure he was going to make a mistake, but I couldn't do anything. I wasn't very comfortable in Harriet's uniform (me, in a Navy uniform, please don't tell anyone!), but Bud was right, my clothes were soaked and I would have been sick. I know he kissed Diane that night, but damn, this kiss was so sweet! ...God, I should keep in mind who will read this text... Sorry!  
  
The first time we went to Russia is engraved in my memory too. There was no way he could have gone there alone. It wasn't just because I spoke Russian. I wanted to be at his side when he finally discovered what happened to his father. The flight with the MiG was even worse than with Sarah; I thought I would die. But once again, we were okay... after we punched out! This guy is not a cat; a cat only has nine lives. Harm has at least a hundred! As long as I stick with him, I know I'm going to be okay. He seemed so weak when he found out what happened to his father, but this time I think he found closure...  
  
When we were recruited by Webb to operate in the Sudanese embassy, things were so much easier between us than presently! When I told him, on our way out, that we should go out together more often, I meant it. Not exactly as a date, but as a precious relationship, at least...  
  
When I was charged with my ex-husband's murder, I think Harm was the only one that always believed in me. Even Mic tried to clear his client's name at my expense. Hopefully, once again, Harm was there for me, refusing to admit my guilt, as I wanted to save Farrow...  
  
Everything was great between Harm and I until the investigation on the USS Watertown. I remember telling him: "Our honeymoon is over." A strange way to qualify our relationship... After the corpsman tried to strangle me, I remember Harm's strong arms holding me tight, after he had insufflated life into my body. Even though I almost died, I felt safe there, knowing he wouldn't let anybody hurt me.  
  
I never thought food could solve any inquiry, certainly not his "meat-less meat loaf, Harm's special"! That day, I really didn't like what I saw. I know flying flows in his veins, but I felt at that instant that he wanted to leave JAG - the career he hadn't chosen - to return to flight duty. I was afraid of losing him, but on the other hand, I never thought it would be possible. It was not just the fear of losing a work partner. I was really afraid to lose HIM...  
  
When my father died, I know Harm wanted to support me, but I pushed him away. I wanted to deal with it alone. I'm sorry if I was been rude to him. He had been very nice. He even sent me flowers after the funeral, but I didn't want him to see me so vulnerable. I don't want anybody around when I'm vulnerable, him above all... No, that's not true. I don't want anybody to see my weaknesses, but the only person I would like to have at my side in those moments is Harm... Weird paradox...  
  
Little AJ's birth... A really strange memory... I have always wanted children, but time goes by and I still haven't found the father. Well, if I believe what Harm told me that day, he should be the father of at least one of my children. Go halves on a child, that was a crazy idea. That's not really the kind of things normal friends discuss. Okay, I must concede, we do not share a normal friendship. He said he never made promises he cannot keep. The five years delay is almost up. I hope he was right...   
  
When he left JAG to return to active duty, I thought my world would fall to pieces. I told myself I wouldn't cry, but it was too much to hope for. My whole life was changing with his departure. I would have done anything to keep him, but I knew flying was his whole life, the thing he was born to do. It would have been selfish to ask him to stay. I thought he would have kept in touch with us while he was at sea, but he didn't. I felt like he drew a line on me... uh, on us... uh... on JAG?...  
  
When he returned from sea duty, things were different at JAG. Mic had had time to settle himself comfortably and had created solid links with the whole staff, including me, even though I had no intention to date him at that moment. I didn't really help Harm when he was charged for this offensive letter in the newspaper. The prosecutor asked me to testify against him, because of a ridiculous joke half of the whole American population said. At least, he was not the one who made the stupid comment on the "do-it-yourself insemination kit", or he wouldn't have been able to sit down for a while...  
  
I feel chills in my spine when I think about the time Harm almost drowned on the USS Suribachi. Hopefully, the Admiral couldn't believe either that his senior attorney was dead...  
  
(Sigh...) I stopped counting how many times he almost died, because at each occasion, a little piece of my heart breaks, and there is not so much left. The way I react now just recalling all those almost lethal accidents, I don't know how I survived all those years working with him. I know someday his luck will come to an end, but I don't want to think about it... If God granted me only one wish, it wouldn't be for me, it would be to keep Harm alive forever...  
  
_ It looks as though you're letting go _  
_ And if it's real _  
_ Well I don't want to know_  
  
Well, this part of the song is absolutely not true! On the ferry, in Sydney, I wanted you... sorry journal (even though these three words sound good...). I wanted him to let go. I knew he wouldn't have said the words I wanted to hear, but he could have shown me his feelings in so many other ways. No, instead, I was a fool, I pushed him away and I accepted the ring Mic offered me. Why, I still don't know. I knew Mic loved me, but I wasn't really in love with him. Was I in love with Harm? Can't say... Am I now? Same answer. I have a very special definition for this: love is a sentiment that needs to be shared by two people. If only one person has tender feelings for someone else, I wouldn't call it love. The one thing I think right now is that I did accept Mic's ring to make Harm react, but he didn't, unfortunately... (another sigh...)  
  
Up till now, I don't really remember any moment Harm didn't want to help me when I was in trouble. When I discovered the confidential part of the report in my car for the Bracken case, I think he found out who placed it there, but he never told me. Maybe he wanted to save her life after all... Why are my thoughts drifting to a female Lieutenant suddenly? May God bless her soul...  
  
Some undercover cases can be very bizarre... To salute Bud and Harm, I think it was too much for me, mostly that he discovered (with the help of a picture!) during this investigation that I really had a tattoo in a classified spot... Only God knows, maybe some day, he'll find what it looks like...  
  
I think I'm really out of my mind right now... I thought writing was a good idea... I'm not so sure anymore. They say "Spoken words fly away, written ones remain", or something like that so now, he will have plenty of stuff to nag me...  
  
_ Don't speak _  
_ I know just what you're saying_  
_ So please stop explaining _  
_ Don't tell me cause it hurts _  
_ Don't speak _  
_ I know what you're thinking _  
_ I don't need your reasons _  
_ Don't tell me cause it hurts_  
  
I remember the look in his eyes when Mic arrived directly from Australia for the Surface Warfare Ball. Harm didn't have to say a word. I knew he wasn't happy to see him there, to say the least! But what was bothering him exactly? He was with Renée, "Miss Video-Princess", so why did he care that Mic was there for me...? Maybe he wasn't really much happier than I was... Yeah, my fiancé was back, but was there really more than a ring between Mic and I? I'm not so sure anymore...  
  
Our second journey into Russia brought other surprises. Harm discovered he had a little Russian half-brother, Sergei, a really nice guy. Alexei, our taxi driver, asked me how many dangerous countries I had crossed for the man I loved, if I was willing to risk my life for a 'simple friend'. For me, it just sounded like the right thing to do, but Alexei was right, I'm not even sure I would have done that for Mic...  
  
I never suffered of claustrophobia, but I have to admit that being in a submarine threatened by the Russian forces is a bit frightening. I also thought only women could have a sixth sense, but I discovered that Harm had one too. I don't know how he does that, but as I can't explain how I know time instinctively, I just take it for granted. He is able to locate me, wherever I am. That has probably been of a great help recently.   
  
...Okay... If I want to keep my mind straight, I should stick to the timeline, unless I'll forget many important events in our relationship... So, what happened next?  
  
How can I forget the time he hit his head in the Admiral's office? He was looking at me so strangely; I wondered what he was seeing exactly. The concussion must have been very serious. He said he wanted to be friend with Mic, and that was absolutely abnormal!  
  
Thankfully, when we got news from the Krohn case, I wasn't the one who had visions of Harm being killed. I don't think I could have survived that. It would have been too much to ask for. My best friend in the world, dead? That's impossible! At least, I would like so much to believe it is impossible...  
  
_ Our memories _  
_ Well, they can be inviting _  
_ But some are altogether _  
_ Mighty frightening_  
  
Memories... I think one of my sweetest, and at the same time most painful memory is when we stood on the Admiral's porch at my engagement party. I think Harm was afraid of losing me, but I never had any intention to go to Australia with Mic. He said I had someone who'll always love me, but I felt he wasn't talking about Mic... When I kissed him goodbye, I wanted to show him the place he would always have in my heart. I never thought he would react the way he did! Through this kiss, he seemed so absorbed... I didn't know what to do. I lost myself in his arms for a few seconds, then I had to back up: I didn't want Renée or Mic to see us. I do think something broke between us that night. I just hope it will heal with time...  
  
_ As we die, both you and I   
With my head in my hands   
I sit and cry_  
  
I was angry with him when he told me he wouldn't be able to attend to the dinner before my wedding because of his quals. It was supposed to be the happiest day in my life, but how could it be without my best friend, or whatever he is to me? When the Admiral told us his plane was lost at sea, my whole world crumbled once again. Why do we love people if they are meant to disappear someday??? ...Why do I keep using this word, love? Maybe I wanted him so much to feel the same and I tried to convince myself. The whole world stopped turning for me until they found you... sorry again, until they found him. I just recall these events and tears threaten to fall on this booklet. I hope the ink is waterproof. Up to now, it is... He tried to come back in time to be present at the wedding. He did it for me and he almost died! I don't think I could have forgiven myself if he hadn't made it. Thankfully, he was okay, well... almost. He couldn't remember Renée, the woman that shared his life (and probably his bed) for a whole year, but he remembered me. His 'thanks' went directly to my heart. I'm not sure Mic really understood what happened that night, I'm not even sure I do myself. When I called Harm, a few minutes after Mic left to board his plane, he told me I knew why I should go to him. He never said the words I wanted to hear, and when I showed up at his apartment, Renée was there, and he turned me away. My heart was broken once again...  
  
_ Don't speak _  
_ I know just what you're saying _  
_ So please stop explaining_  
_ Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no) _  
_ Don't speak _  
_ I know what you're thinking _  
_ I don't need your reasons _  
_ Don't tell me cause it hurts_  
  
Yes, I admit it; I wanted to disappear when I left for the USS Guadalcanal. I wanted to think by myself. My whole life was a mess. Mic was gone. Harm was gone. I know Harm tried to call me many times, but I wasn't ready. We tried to talk when he came on the ship, but he has never been able to tell me what he would have accepted to give up for me. I foolishly thought he would have given Renée up, but he didn't answer. That was the moment I chose to close my heart to him. That was a terrible moment for me. I didn't want to lose him; he was the most meaningful person in my life. But he also caused me so much pain, I didn't want to suffer anymore...  
  
Time passed by and I finally accepted him as a friend, under the condition that we were able to go back to the beginning. Maybe I'm simple-minded, but I believe a friend is someone who accepts you the way you are. I heard once that a friend is someone who stays by your side even when he knows your faults... I really hope Harm and I would be able to stay friends, no matter what happens...  
  
Under the mistletoe, that Christmas, I couldn't resist. Even though we talked about Mic and Renée, we were like good old friends, like we were before. This chaste kiss just confirmed that miracles still exist... It was a simple kiss, but I think I saw some sparkles in his eyes when we parted, giving me the hope that he wasn't gone for good...  
  
The feeling of being safe with him never faded, even when we were in that minefield, in Afghanistan. His presence comforted me, although the situation seemed hopeless. The second platonic night spent in his arms in five years could have appeared improper to anyone, but to me, it seemed just the right thing to do to increase our chances of survival in the cold weather... Who do I think I'm fooling right now? I didn't do it only because of the cold weather, I did it to feel his presence, to grab ounces of snugness in this hostile environment... I just hope it was mutual...  
  
When Bud got hurt, Harm was the only support for me to lean on. With the roller coaster of emotions we'd had that day, my heart broke when I saw him crying. I wanted to take him in my arms, but I just stayed there, letting him know he could always rely on me, as he often did for me...  
  
I know flying is his life, but I always worry when he's up, until the moment he touches the ground. That Christmas, at the Roberts' house, I couldn't help but panic, remembering the last time he tried to get home in time for a special occasion. I was so relieved when he passed the door, safe and sound, that if we hadn't been all sitting down for dinner I would have hugged him.  
  
I feel guilty for the way I acted (or should I say because I didn't do anything) when he has been charged for the murder of Loren Singer. I know the Admiral asked us to stay away from him to avoid any problems, but I should have been more supportive. I should have found a way. I knew, from the bottom of my heart, that he was innocent. The prosecutor wanted me to testify against him, but luckily, I didn't have to... I wouldn't have been able to.  
  
The night I showed up at his apartment with my rounded belly is still fresh in my memory. I knew he cared for me, but as I told him, he only shows his feelings when I'm not in a position to return them. I wanted to stop when he asked me to stay, but it would only have delayed the inevitable separation. I had no choice. I had to follow Clay... What I made sure to hide from him, is the tear that rolled down my cheek when I crossed the door. That time, even though I said otherwise, I really didn't know if I would make it back...  
  
All the time I was tortured, I secretly prayed for my knight in shining armour to show up. Hearing Clay's screams all day long was inhuman to endure, but when it was my turn to be tied to the torture table, I couldn't utter a word. I was extremely relieved when I finally saw him, even though I don't know how he did it. Probably that sixth sense of his... Once again, my language skills helped us, but I was surprise to see that he knew a little bit of German. He'll never stop amazing me...  
  
_ It's all ending   
I gotta stop pretending who we are...   
You and me I can see us dying...are we?   
_   
When the plane crashed, I really thought we were going to die. Honestly, I thought he was dead when we touched the ground: he was barely breathing and I didn't dare to move him. My heart was torn between going for help to save him and staying with him to make sure he wouldn't be alone. I sat beside him on the framework of the plane, holding his hand in mine, begging him to stay alive. Finally, when he seemed a little better, I went for help and we were finally able to make it back to the hotel. There, I don't know what upset me the most: that he appeared jealous of Clay, or that he didn't tell me that he resigned his commission in order to save my life...  
  
_ Don't speak   
I know just what you're saying   
So please stop explaining  
__ Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)_   
  
I know I should have thanked him, but I just hurt him once again. I couldn't believe he didn't dare to tell me why he resigned his commission. He told Clay that he did it for me, but he wasn't able to say the same words to me. That's why I said those awful things before we left Paraguay... Not really that I meant them, at least not all of them. True, we'll never be able to both be on top, but I can't bring my heart to say 'never' for the two of us...  
  
Back in D.C., I didn't know what to do, so I kept my distances, creating despite all my good will, a huge hole in our friendship. I would have never imagined him as a spook, so I'm really glad he's back at JAG. At least, that gave me some time to think. One conclusion imposed itself. The feelings I have for this man are very strong. He has always been there for me, and I know I will be there for him, any time. We had our shares of joy and pain, and wiped each other's tears more than once. We did that in some kind of special friendship, and I hope it can continue forever. But I also know that he is the kind of man... no, he is THE man I want at my side for the rest of my life. But I'm afraid this is not what he wants anymore.  
  
This is the reason why I don't dare hope for love from him anymore. I could always settle for a good friendship. This way I'm sure not to lose him.   
  
I know it'll sound cliché, but women are hard to understand. I already said otherwise in the past, but... I'm a Marine, however I'm also a woman first. I wouldn't say 'no' means 'yes', but sometimes, when I tell everyone to go away, it means everyone but him... everyone but you...  
  
...Okay, now I think I'm ready to address you personally.  
  
Harm, I told you apologies were a sign of weakness, but this time I really apologise. You already know I'm vulnerable, so it doesn't matter anymore. I don't want to lose you, under any circumstances. If we can't be lovers, I hope we'll at least keep in touch for the rest of our lives, even though I would prefer the first option. But if we are to get together only to break up in a week, a month or a year and hate each other, then it is not worth it. You mean everything to me, and my life would be really empty without you. Please take your time, think it through, and tell me if I can use the word "love" with you...  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Mac (or the way I opened my heart and soul to you, should I say 'Sarah'...)"  
  
That being done, Mac laid aside the booklet and quill, moved her sore wrist in circles a few times and turned off the light. She slipped into her bed, pulled the blanket up to her chin and immediately fell asleep. The moonlight rays that filtered through the blinds revealed a relieved smile on her gracious features. That night, she had a vision of her knight in shining armour. Well not exactly. He was wearing his Mess whites and instead of the usual bunch of roses, he held out to her a little Navy blue booklet and his smile told her she didn't have to worry anymore.  
  
FIN   
  



End file.
